Shift Into First

Dream

In the beginning of January I had a dream that has really stuck with me through a number of challenges that I’ve faced within the few short months of 2024. I believe that God will prepare us for things in advance through dreams, drawing our attention to details we will need to remember, in order to walk in the promises that He has laid out for us ahead of time.

In my dream I was driving a car on the highway after sun down; the road was two-lane like most rural roads are. The problem, however, was that every time I shifted the vehicle into drive, the engine would shift into reverse instead of moving forwards. This was unexpected. I was caught off guard, because drive is supposed to make you move forward, not backwards. It made no rational sense why this function was reversed, so fought it with my understanding of how the vehicle works. Because of this, I had difficulty staying in my lane while shifting between gears, back and forth, back and forth, hoping to figure out how to get moving in the right direction again. I began to swerve into the wrong lane because of the distraction. I hadn’t stopped moving, I was just moving in the wrong direction. I began to see lights in my rear view mirror, and I knew that I was heading in for them. I tried to turn the wheel, but my movements were backwards and my mind was confused. It was like looking into a mirror and trying to make your movements match what you’re seeing, instead they are clumsy and disjointed. 

Then I heard: “Shift into first.” 

It wasn’t quite an audible voice, but an instantaneous knowing in my mind.

I knew first gear wasn’t the ‘right’ gear for highway driving, but I had nothing to lose at this point. Shifting into first, my trajectory immediately shifted. Slowly and steadily I began to move in forward motion.

After waking, I heard: “When things get dark, shift into first.”

Holy Spirit began showing me that shifting into first meant, shifting into the Kingdom of Heaven in a very literal sense. The Kingdom of Heaven construct seems to be backwards to our understanding of how we need to operate and function in our daily lives. This was the point of the dream. In order to move forward, I needed to get into the appropriate gear. 

To describe this by its definition, Gear = a part, such as a disk, wheel or section of a shaft, having cut teeth of such form, size, and spacing that they mesh with the teeth in another part to transmit or receive forced motion (n.). 

-Shifting into gear is shifting into a designed mechanism meant to propel us into a forward motion. 

-It is a mindset shift 

-It is a shifting from one way of thinking into another

-Choosing to do things God’s way: “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55:8-9

“So above all, constantly seek God’s kingdom and his righteousness, then all these less important things will be given to you abundantly.” – Matthew 6:33 

God has had my husband Robert and I on a journey of emotional healing. Really, it started a couple years ago when he was healed of a brain injury and likewise experienced a dramatic deliverance. Those miracles completely changed the trajectory of our lives; the things that the enemy had been trying to do to destroy our family began shifting into a powerful testimony and a forward motion propelling us into further healing. That specific breakthrough seemed to usher in a season of deliverance within our home. Over time the Holy Spirit has lead me to a number of resources and the journey has shifted focus onto the emotional healing side of things. He has been emphasizing this as a part of His plan of restoration over 2024. 

Wanda Alger put out a video this last week, covering this specific topic. She worded it really well, saying that God is needing to get us healed of the wounds we’ve incurred in our souls over the last number of years – lifetime, in order for us to be able to receive and maintain the glory that is about to hit the earth (paraphrasing). 

We’ve all been through difficult experiences. Financial disasters, marriage problems, broken relationships, deaths, out of control health issues, injuries and accidents, being misunderstood, abandoned, rejected and betrayed… these things can cause emotional wounds, otherwise described as soul wounds. While on the surface, they might seem to set us back for only a season; temporarily thrusting us into a depression or state of grief. Usually we get back up and we push forward at full speed as though nothing ever happened. It’s how we’ve been trained, ‘time heals all wounds.’ In doing so we tend to learn to carry the wounds (a broken piece inside of us that never really heals) with a limp, rather than learning to heal. Triggers might remind us of the scars when these things (wounds) resurface. And the emotions that we experience can tangibly feel dark and ominous clouding our vision from being able to see light and truth. We can push forward through the misaligned fractures that resemble formerly severed structures, pretending everything’s fine. Or we can stop and slow down and allow God to step into the process of healing those places that formerly seemed irreparably broken. Those scars, triggers, and handicaps incurred through various storms and trials. He brings light into the darkness and restores our souls (Psalm 23:3). He is a God of restoration after all, and emotional healing is a part of His restoration plan for this this hour. 

“And this Light never fails to shine through darkness — Light that darkness could not overcome!” – John 1:5 TPT

One evening while Robert and I were talking over how we’d spent a lot more time recently, stopping when ‘triggers’ arose, utilizing that time in prayer and asking Jesus to take those things… 

Holy Spirit told me: “This is shifting into first. This is what stepping into the Kingdom looks like.”

Projects around the house have dragged on longer than usual as we’ve spent more time in prayer together. We have chosen to allow the Holy Spirit to deal with triggers as they have surfaced, giving the things to Jesus in exchange for deep soul healing(s). Through the process I have been amazed at how simple and how effective it all has been. The more that we practice surrendering our time and expectations in exchange for bringing God into the middle of the situation, we experience more healing and unity in our home.

The Kingdom of Heaven isn’t meant to be difficult. Shifting into first may not be first nature, but its the practice of bringing Heaven right where we are with whatever situation(s) we face. I believe that God is telling us that in order for us to continue to move forward in this season, we need to surrender our expectations and purpose to respond to whatever we are facing by ‘shifting into first’, bringing Jesus into that place and seeking Heaven’s resolutions, and out of this place we will find an abundance of provision for all of what we need. 

2024 A Year to Restore

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I believe that God is saying that 2024 is a year of restoration and a year of the Joseph Anointing. When I’d first asked God about what He wanted to do in 2024, I’d heard Him say that He wanted to deal with identity. I believe this looks like the manifestation of the son’s and daughters of God being restored to the Kingdom as they are robed in righteousness and adorned with crowns and jewels of royalty. The scales from their eyes will be peeled off and they will be set free from the lies that have kept them bound in a land of desolation and slavery by the orphan spirit. They will step into the land of plenty, where all that has been robbed and held back in the former seasons will be re-established and multiplied.

A person’s name prophetically speaks to their anointing and character. Historically speaking, parents would name their children according to the circumstances of their birth, or with the hopes for their futures. The Meaning of the name Joseph is: ‘let Him add’ (strongs definition #3130).  The word ‘identity’ comes from the late 1500’s and is equivalent to the Latin word(s) identitas = “the qualtiy of being the same, sameness,” and ident(idem) which means, “over and over again.” To identify someone by name is to speak repeatedly the same purpose or qualities over and over again. Just as the Father speaks destiny and purpose over us, over and over again. He calls those things to awaken: ”The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone. The rains have soaked the earth and left it bright with blossoming flowers. The season for singing and pruning the vines has arrived. I hear the cooing of doves in our land, filling the air with songs to awaken you and guide you forth. Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you? The early signs of my purposes and plans are bursting forth. The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere. The fragrance of their flowers whispers, “There is change in the air.” Arise… -Song of Songs 2:11-13 TPT

Deuteronomy 33 outlines the spoken blessing that would rest on the tribe of Joseph as an expansion of their identity. “Moses said this about the tribes of Joseph: “May their land be blessed by the Lord with the precious gift of dew from the heavens and water from beneath the earth; with the rich fruit that grows in the sun, and the rich harvest produced each month; with the finest crops of the ancient mountains, and the abundance from the everlasting hills; with the best gifts of the earth and its bounty, and the favor of the one who appeared in the burning bush. May these blessings rest on Joseph’s head, crowning the brow of the prince among his brothers. Joseph has the majesty of a young bull; he has the horns of a wild ox. He will gore distant nations, even to the ends of the earth. This is my blessing for the multitudes of Ephraim and the thousands of Manasseh.” – Deuteronomy 33:13-17 NLT

In November the Holy Spirit began to highlight the importance of the spoken identity; how the words we speak over each other quite literally robes or robs us of who we are. The revealing of true  identity will require those who walk in sonship to watch carefully the words they speak over one another. If our words lack honor and don’t speak life towards other human beings, we participate in character assassination and are guilty of speaking curses over them. A greater level of authority will require a greater level of restraint of the tongue, rather than speak what is seen with the naked eye, we must be lead by the Spirit to prophecy light into the darkness gripping people’s souls. 

“When you speak healing words, you offer others fruit from the tree of life. 

But unhealthy negative words do nothing but crush their hopes.” – Proverbs 15:4 TPT

A restoration of identity opens the door to reestablishing pillar foundations: Thriving Marriages, Flourishing Families, Financial Prosperity, and Excellent Health. These are Kingdom structures and therefore inherent rights of the manifest sons and daughters of God. 

Holy Spirit highlighted these four areas that have been heavily attacked and He said, “put them under the blood.” The blood of Jesus has the resurrection power to bring back to life things that have seemed dead and too far gone. 

In 2024 Prophecy restorative life into every area that has been under attack and place it under the blood of Jesus. 

Activation: 

Father God, I choose to come into alignment with your promises for 2024, and I declare with the sound of my voice that my marriage, my family, my finances and my health will be restored back!  I break agreement with death and lack over my life, and everything in my life that has been at the brink of death. I prophecy LIFE in Jesus name! 

I repent for allowing my mouth to speak negatively over other people, and for speaking curses that don’t align with their true identity. Jesus I ask that you cleanse my mouth in 2024, I am putting it under the blood of Jesus, that I would only use my mouth to bring light into the souls of others.

 Awaken within me every gift, characteristic, and calling that you have hidden within me for such a time as this. 

Most of all, I ask that you give me a deep reverence for your presence, that as I go through my day to day life that I would continuously find myself in communion with you. Stir within me a deep hunger for more of you. I pray that in all that I do, I choose to seek 1st your Kingdom. I give Holy Spirit permission to continue to purify my heart and my hands, so iniquity would not be found in me. In Jesus name. Amen. 

Setting Myself Apart; Seeking Authenticity

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It has been about a year of blogger’s silence; my attempts to reboot have been waylaid by life. It’s not that I haven’t thought often of unraveling my soul to the hungry collective.  I’ve struggled with the idea of what voice I want to be?

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In college writing was something that came easy to me, it was an outlet that I utilized frequently. I wrote through years of postpartum depression, the stress of early parenthood, college life, creative struggles and the conglomeration of the aforementioned combined. In some ways those days feel distant, yet vividly familiar as I’m still wading through the infant and toddler years with our third and fourth children. (It’s been a busy couple years!)
It could be said that I was raised on Xanga and AOL. We displaced Xennials were the first generation ushered into a world where it was normal(?) for even the most ordinary of us to lay our inner-selves prostrate for the public to read (at length). Prompts such as: “what are you thinking?” further standardized the ideology of sharing and oversharing on whim. Facebook promised to connect the world, but the evolution of being friends with everyone you’ve ever met, never met, and barely know disjointed the idealism of the relationship to a summary of some vacation photos, inspirational quotes, memes, and hopefully nothing too politically inclined. Nevermind the incentivisation of promoting one’s self as ‘like-worthy’…  In the wake of all that is to loath of Facebook, users sought the seemingly neutral ground of Instagram where people were just keepin’ it real. However, their facade fell more subtly as they ushered in the millennial self made experts; mlm’s, personal business marketers, and the world’s youngest and most inexperienced self appointed know-it-alls on everything relating to winning at life. No, Jane doesn’t wake up looking like that!! And let me just say, we all know you’re the one holding your phone taking that selfie of you pretending to sleep. Awkward.
My point being that the evolution of social media has left me feeling hungover on an empty stomach.

I have struggled with the idea of what voice I want to be?

Twitter’s troll problem is probably the prime example as to why many of us are afraid to break those barriers and really dive deep anywhere virtually, leaving many of us asking, is it really worth it?  But let’s be honest, these invisible barriers penetrate our tangible face to face relationships now, too. The new AI has arrived, and rather than looking outward, we need to turn inward, because it is ‘WE’ who have been retrained to roboticize our human connections. The devolution of community and connection has silently slipped into oblivion as we stare at our screens, searching our accounts to see if anyone really sees us.
It has always been my desire, in any relationship, to connect deeply on the realities of life. I suppose in many ways I am as much a realist as I am a bleeding heart – romantic.
Litterature has always been profoundly important to me, because it brings one alongside the author, or subject as equals; opening up the world through new emotions and experiences. It strips us of all outward preconceptions, signals, and ideals we place in our own minds and presents us with the most authentic version of that person.
There are some people, who, how they write about themselves; their candid truths instantaneously makes me feel as though we are friends. And it is that feeling of familiar, and that tangible sense of connection, that I want to, hope to invoke within someone else. In my eyes that would validate my semi-talented hands at conveying what is stirring within my soul, just as it would, if someone were to genuinely connect to one of my artworks.
I am not afraid of the nitty gritty ugly truth, and if we don’t agree, that’s ok too. I’m most interested in the truth of any matter.
From where I am looking, I no longer have time for the superficial fake facade that is social connection. You all can keep it. I am currently on a journey of self rediscovery, both as a parent and a human, but especially as an artist. I dare you to be yourself just as I seek to figure out who I am along the way.

Pending…

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It’s been some months since I tried sitting down and collecting my thoughts in order to put them on display for complete strangers to read. This sleep deprivation issue seems to be perpetuated by a child who struggles with settling on a manageable routine for the caretaker in her life. It has held me suspended in a sort of stasis. I find myself holding my breath indefinitely, waiting… waiting… waiting… to exhale.

Inevitably one must exhale; heart pounding in anticipation as the need for oxygen intensifies. 

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If I’m to speak candidly, I’d tell you that my life has felt like it’s been on hold these last (nearly) twelve months since the birth of my youngest daughter. She’s been the contradiction to every parenting experience in the 8 years prior. The exhaustion of having to wake up multiple times throughout the night for months upon months, to no end, feels crippling. I find myself thinking, “This isn’t chronic, is it? PLEASE tell me this isn’t the new normal!”

Sometimes amidst the utter disparity that surreptitiously wraps its claws around my irrational overworked mind, I find myself dismally melancholy. It can feel rather disheartening to feel that I have little enthusiasm to function in the world beyond mere survival. I find myself avoiding interactions with people, because, really, what form of profitable input do I have to add anyway?

How’s life been? 

… uhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m tired  … 

What’s new? 

Oh god! What is new?!?! I don’t know!! NOTHING! What have I been doing with my life!?! 

Talk about total mood killer! It seems easier to reign things in for a bit and focus my prolific energy on keeping the little human beings alive. Nonetheless, it’s easy to become lost and disoriented amidst the fog that is one’s daily challenge. So how does one thwart the black hole that is the loss of direction?

A friend of mine reminded me that the world looks better when one is well rested.

Sleep… that elusive bastard. It’s not that my body doesn’t yearn for it, nor that it does not succumb. More often than not, I find myself asleep face first on the keyboard of my iPad. It is more so a question of persuading a miniature being of contentment within those wee hours of the morning.  This is the real challenge, contending with the disuadable. Any adult who has dealt with infants, is keenly aware that negotiations are impossible. Those sweet little eyes merely stare back blankly, expectantly, waiting for you to deal with the matter at hand.

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I’m a firm believer that children are trainable, however in my vast experience (sarcasm implied) I’m acutely aware that every child is uniquely endowed with their own set of needs and temperaments. What worked easily with one, doesn’t necessarily work for another. So that leaves us grasping for answers, searching, formulating…

What have I done wrong?! 

It’s easy to draw conclusions, yet acquisition no real constructive answers. What then remains? Trial and error? That’s an endeavor lacking any promise of prompt relief. What happens when all else fails? Certainly, then, one must buckle up or keep their mouths shut, because there will be the expressive critics ready to find fault in your lack of industry.

Hang on, the ride isn’t over yet! Remember, you’ve got that adorable little face to confront in the middle of the darkness…

Within my pursuit of resolution, I’ve, as of yet, found no profitable answers.

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It might be true that the world seems to be moving by, as I sit on the sidelines with my coffee cup in hand, but we’re inching our way towards a new season. Snail paced as it may be, sleep will come again!

In the meantime, my status of contribution remains pending…

I Just Want To SLEEP!!!!

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Running up the stairs and prostrating myself across my bed, the week’s frustrations manifested themselves in the form of selfish tears rolling down my cheeks; in bitter muffled sobs.

My life’s not fair!

Whoever says that the emotions a person goes through when daily confronted with sleep  deprivation are ‘tender,’ has barely scratched the surface of the inward turmoil that can be experienced when confronted with the daily need to set oneself aside. Despite total and complete exhaustion. They feel more volatile in nature, prone to hurl their unrelenting whims onto the unsuspecting individual.

I thought I had this under control. 

My husband was downstairs dutifully doing the dishes, meanwhile I was upstairs feeling the heavy weight of carrying the burden of an infant’s (sleep-less) sleep schedule alone. Day in and day out for months on end, with no end in sight. It can really wear on a person’s constitution. Days blur into week, and weeks into months… the hours ticking away without the slightest sense of remorse, silently slipping by, waiting for the moment of expiration.

Waking every 3-4 hours for months… years… feels like prison.

Must be nice getting a full night’s sleep! Who does he think I am?!? His slave? I’m done having kids… DONE! I can’t do this, I didn’t sign up for this. I can’t stand feeling so utterly exhausted and so emotionally out of control!!!!! When do I get a break!? These people are trying to kill me through sleep deprivation. 

Rolling over on my side, my attention is brought back to the large wet ring that Adeline had left when she wet through her diaper.

UGH! I meant to change that earlier. 

Thanks to my 6 month old, and her need to eat throughout the night, I change my sheets frequently. (Not by choice) Somehow she has managed the art of sleeping on her stomach, which allows her to wet through her diaper when it is nearly half full. I have tried many times to get up and change her, and some nights I succeed in preventing the mess, and others it is inevitable.

In the process of stripping my bed, I realize that my ‘waterproof’ mattress pad isn’t so waterproof after all. Meaning the mattress itself has been absorbing pee for the last month that we’ve been battling these night time diaper leaking battles.

Wonderful. More work thrown on me on a Saturday afternoon. No more pity party, gotta get up and keep moving. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. 

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I wrote these thoughts roughly a month ago. I’ve been a little hesitant to post them, they are pretty raw. They reveal a side of myself that I’m not terribly fond of. Yet, the reality of it is… we all go through moments of being/feeling completely overwhelmed with daily tasks. Whatever they may be. Sometimes these struggles can really make a person feel alone in their journey. Even when they are surrounded by people.

Sometimes these experiences can be rather singular. It is hard for a partner to fully understand what the other is going through, if they are not also experiencing it themselves. But is this not true for any of life’s adversities? We gain a sense of empathy when our trials reflect that of another’s… it is a means of connection, a sense of understanding.

We are finally beginning to reach a little bit of relief on the sleeping front. Is it not usually… when we feel like giving up, that the worst is almost at an end?

To all of my struggling mothers. Hang in there one more day, you’re just one moment away from relief. It will come.

My deepest reguards for those feeling overwhelmed today. You are not alone.

 

 

Cultivating A Peaceful Environment

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We’re in the home stretch as we complete our final preparations for the coming school year. In just a matter of days we will be resuming our studies with a Kindergartener and Second Grader in tow! Where did summer go? These days right before school are always a little bit hectic as I try to anticipate what the next months ahead will be like. Every year is different, and this year I’m adding another student and entirely separate subject core into my daily routine. (Sonlighter  here!)

We just arrived home from our end of summer vacation a week ago; picked up the older two kids from my parent’s, worked on laundry, and turned around and repacked to travel to the city with my husband on a work trip. I’d been fighting the largest heaps of laundry that I’ve dealt with in a while… meanwhile trying to unpack everyone’s bags and get things put back into their rightful places so that the house can be in order.

My big goal for today was getting the kitchen and dining room floors cleaned so that I would be able to polish them. We do the bulk of our work in the kitchen, so once school starts, getting that accomplished will be tough.

So, in between post-vacation clean up, and a pre-school year semi deep clean I allowed myself a few minutes of lounging in my favorite chair; basking in the warm afternoon sunlight that was streaming through the library window. The warmth reminded me of the cool mornings on our lakefront campsite on the north shore. I’d sit on the rocks overlooking the crystal clear water and just soak in the sounds of the waves beating against the rocky shoreline, feeling the heat of the sun on my skin. I’d probably end up sitting there for about an hour waiting for the baby to wake, and just allow myself to be. Trying to memorize every little detail; from the sun reflecting off of the ever-moving surface, casting dancing light on the smooth rock edge near the surface of the water. To the way the sun highlights higher portions of the rocky shore contrasting with shadows of edges hidden from direct light. Every sunset and every sunrise reveals another little secret, waiting to be discovered. IMG_9392For this non-morning person, that beginning to my morning was not only enough get me out of bed. It was the highlight of my day.

Nature and all of the sights and sounds that come with it, is where I find the most peace. 

I realized that I hadn’t actually sat down in the library since the baby was born (March). The library has always been my favorite room, because of how the sun dances across the floor in the early afternoon hours. It is the one room in the house where I can feel close-ish to nature all 4 seasons of the year. I had been avoiding that room, because I had been struggling to get the mess and clutter under control, but today was the first day that the floor was spotless and the shelves were nearing perfection. As I looked at the tidy room, I  realized how spacious it was, and reveled in the beauty of it. It was peaceful sitting there in my cozy chair and soaking up the sun, because the atmosphere of the room was no longer chaotic.

As I grow older, I realize that I crave the tranquility of an orderly home. It literally energizes me and helps me function creatively. Raising 3 kids and homeschooling however, makes this a challenge.

It took me a long time to really realize that I needed an immaculate space where I could find refuge. I can’t say that I put a great deal of thought into it at the time, but the best favor I did for myself after having my youngest daughter, was when I started making my bed daily along with tidying the room. It took me no longer than 10-15 minutes to make my bed and put things away. But the reward was having a clean space where I could sit and relax with baby when she was fussy and needed almost non-stop holding. The older kids could play downstairs, and if the messes did, or didn’t get picked up; at least I had my little safe haven.

Cleanliness is a need for me, messes are chaotic and draining. Of course I realize that sometimes I have to turn a blind eye for a season, but my goal is to always have at least one space where I can find that solace.  Nonetheless, life is an ongoing process of discipline. There will be seasons of set backs, whilst seasons of moving forward with leaps and bounds will follow with persistence.

My kids have been in training for a while, it is so helpful having the young ones involved in creating a neat environment. A couple years back I read this book called Cleaning House by Kay Wills Wyma.

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It has really helped me get a good start on equipping myself with good tools for managing the house. This woman takes a real life approach to her struggle to find the self discipline to be consistent in her training of her children, as well as her little victories.

You see, it took me many years to take initiative in tidying my room, because somewhere in the back of my mind I felt it was impossible. However planning for a new baby brought with it the challenges of re-working things, which also ushered in new ideas. We re-worked the bedroom 3 or 4 times until we found what worked, and I began prioritizing what was necessary and what wasn’t. Packing away what wasn’t needed leaving as much floor space free as possible. My kids noticed the difference… they call my room the hotel. lol. This is in part to do with the air conditioner in the window for warm summer nights, but it’s the overall atmosphere change that they associate with that of the initial impression of walking into a clean hotel room.

When I feel a little overwhelmed by life, or the house feels out of my control for the day, I go to my hotel room and find the energy to push forward.

It just takes baby steps.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of… Perfection?

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In art school we were taught the value, ‘less is more.’ We spent hours covering vast catalogues of images and paintings from great artists; learning how to critique and visualize aesthetically pleasing compositions.

A well-seasoned photographer may release the shutter hundreds of times within the lapse of an hour, but choose just one final image. Meanwhile some artists may choose never to publish a single painting, drawing, or photograph for the sake of personal dissatisfaction. I suppose that I tend to fixate on one frame and pour myself into that image for countless hours (depending upon the purpose of the work) before deciding if I feel that it’s worthy to present to the world.

If I am to be brutally honest, I am guilty of wishing that life were a little more like photography; having the ability to pick and choose which parts of me I would prefer for those around me to be able to see. Being able to fine-tune and perfect before publishing myself, and then discarding the less desirable. In essence social media has created a subculture where this manufactured sense of idealism is possible. We pick and choose how we want to project ourselves, throw on a filter, and viola, our lives bear the mark of outward perfection. This of course only works on the surface and for those relationships we hold at a distance.

The reality is that life is messy, we are prone to make mistakes, and when we really get to know someone they are going to through the facade.

“My husband often says that he wonders how it was possible that he could have been so lucky to marry me, because I’m so meticulous and particular.”

My struggle with perfectionism has hindered me for many years. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I started this blog 7 years ago with the intention of using it as an outlet. Today I found an old draft for a post that I’d never published. I caught myself reminiscing over the photographs of my daughter Daniella, recalling the words as though they were written yesterday.

Last night I was up into the wee hours of the morning with a discontented baby. She would drift off to sleep only to wake herself shortly thereafter. Not knowing how long this would last, nor daring to allow myself to drift off into a slumber, I busied myself with sorting through photos on my phone. I found one of the kids that brought back fond memories, so I pulled it into my mobile photoshop app and began playing around a bit. I slapped on a few filters, cropped it, and put it as my header on facebook.

Immediately after publishing it, I began comparing the image quality between my iPad and iPhone analyzing the level of grain and loss of detail thinking to myself, “What did I just publish?!? The image quality is horrible!”

Maintaining a professional image is extremely important for an artist, and I have always admired those who have mainstreamed every aspect of their social media lives. The reality is that with children it is subsequently harder to capture every moment with perfection. Your child is not going to wait until the lighting is at it’s peak so that they can check off another milestone. They may even reach an age where they completely despise any efforts that you make at trying to document them and therefore let it be known through a routine of screaming and running the in other direction when mommy pulls out the camera. The point is, embrace some imperfection along the way. When the older two children were younger I was so critical of every photograph that I took, that I withheld documenting parts of their lives for fear it would make me look like a bad photographer in the broader spectrum of who I am and what I do. The desire to improve pressed hard upon my conscience and I allowed my insecurities with the quality of my work to hinder my chances at giving their childhoods a sense of permanence.

Sometimes one needs to compartmentalize: personal vs professional. There are so many times that I have run across photos of the kids from when they were younger, and my first impression is always based on the content of the photo, not the quality.

Perfectionism Is Not Comparative To Excellence

I strongly hold the belief that if I am going to do something, I must aspire to do it well. Excellence in execution if you will…

I suppose that maybe I outwardly express personal critiques too often (in the company of my husband) on the various things that I run across on the internet. Let’s take pinterest for one. There are a vast number of tutorials that I find mediocre and therefore I spend very little time on the site. My intention isn’t to bash pinterest, but to simply state that it’s not a resource that I personally find very profitable. When I do find myself on there, I am disgruntled by an overwhelming number of  inferior tutorials. This puts off my husband a little bit, as my husband often says that he wonders how it was possible that he could have been so lucky to marry me, because I’m so meticulous and particular.

The truth of the matter in this instance is not that I see my husband as lowlier than I, but more to the effect that I originally saw something profoundly desireable in him. I wish that I had the right words in order to help him visualize this to its fullness; the sincere compliment in the concept. Of course I challenge him often, as well as hold him to a high standard. But that is because I know that he’s capable of arising to the task.

I am a very driven person and I know exactly what I want from life. I am continuously challenging myself to make improvements in order to reach my goals. I hold myself to a much greater degree of criticism than I do anyone outside of myself.

Nonetheless my point is that it is good and desirable to aspire to excellence, but I want to clarify where the trap of perfectionism can hinder rather than help. It often disguises itself as excellence, but it is easily recognized when you’re able to identify the root. ‘Perfectionism’ is an ideal that is grounded in a fear of being ‘less-than,’ meanwhile ‘Excellence’ is the act of completing a task to the best of one’s ability; utilizing the fullness of knowledge, cumulative acquired skill, and training available to them.

Professionalism Is A Discipline

When I am able to compartmentalize my life between professional and personal, I am able to gage when I can allow myself more leeway. Therefore granting myself the grace to sometimes post grainy photos of my kids to my facebook account. Turning off my training and using my phone to document life when my camera is too cumbersome to accompany me. Ultimately allowing me to participate in the present moments more attentively.

The everyday and imperfect interactions of life offset the beauty that is art.